So This is the New Normal

I struggle with this idea a lot.  

Life changes always need adjustments to acclimate but this?  This is different.

I will always have a little gray cloud with me.  I will always feel like I never got enough time.  I will always feel like the future I saw was ripped away from me.  I will always miss my son.  I will always miss what could have been.

I will always miss my SIL.  I will miss the potential of nieces and nephews from her and her partner.  I will miss all the times I could call and get pop culture references taught and explained to me through laughter (and a little judgment).  I will miss being annoyed with her in only the way sisters can be annoyed with each other.

My new normal will be moments of pure joy filled with smiles and laughter and then twinges of guilt for feeling like those who are gone might think I forgot them.

My new normal will be moments where I just want to scream and hit something because none of this is fair.  

My new normal will be just asking why.  Why take him? Why allow her to fight only to lose?  What are the lessons?  What are the reasons?  What am I supposed to learn from this?

My new normal is so unpredictable but it’s the cards I have been dealt and I have to accept them with grace because they are mine either way.