Read All About It!
Like Mommy and Auntie Jade, Kyler told some stories. Auntie Jade was able to write them as he told them. Here they are:
Kkkkyyyyyylllleer
Kyler
OKAY
So meemaw I want to
A k
K and a A and a Y and a K and a Y and all the letters
A
All of the letters spell my name. Kyler
All of the letters spell my name. Spell my name. Spell my name.
Willy the Ocra
Well that little story. There was a whale. I saw a Ocra named Willy and he swimmed to me. And I said hello there Willy. I think this whale this Orca got a big tail and a hole a blow hole that blows all of the air. And it got a big tail. The end
Skeletons Have Long Necks
Skeletons have long foots and toes. Actually heads. And hands. Skeletons scare everybody just like you and me and Meemaw and actually nana. And all kinds of stuff. Actually just like a dog. They have big teeth. And a long neck. And they’re so happy about their skeleton family. The end.
Kyler and Giraffy
There once was a giraffe named Giraffy. He was really big, 25 feet tall. He liked to play with his best friend, a boy name Kyler. Their favorite game to play is hide and seek. Kyler liked to be the finder which is good because Giraffy loves to hide. Kyler would count to 12 and Giraffy would hide in his favorite cave. It would take an hour for Kyler to find Giraffy because he is such a good hider. Kyler can only see Giraffy once a month because Giraffy lived in Animal City which takes Kyler 12 days to travel on his horse Belle. Their favorite snack to have together is smores cookies. They always make sure to share their cookies with Belle. Kyler makes sure to bring his black star pillow and blanket so he can have a sleepover with Giraffy out under the stars.
Blue Whales
This is about a big blue whale. His name is Whaley. He got a blow hole. It’s to blow air. He lives into the ocean. Well he was swimming in the water with his tail. And he makes a big splash. He makes a big jump. The splash and make big flip. His name is Whaley. Well Whaley just makes big splashes. Well he eats ummm actually krill. Actually he lives in salt water that’s very warm for him so he can breathe. Actually a great white shark they got big teeth. And they fight each other. And they say hey get out of my way I want to go to my friends and my nanas birthday.
Big Dinosaurs
Dinosaurs got big big big friends. Yeah they got big friends. That they meet in the world. They live in Jurassic Park so they are very happy about their friends. Well they roar.
I love how his imagination works. I am so excited to see what other stories he comes up with throughout his life.
NSFW-Jade and Mac’s Stories
A little backstory:
Jade and I read a book where two sisters got a guideline of a prompt and from that created a story. Jade and I loved the idea of that so much, we too did that. We got a prompt and took off with our ideas. The prompt was: A shake felt around the world. Something massive is waking up. It also had to incorporate dinosaurs.
Here is Jade’s story:
C.Th.U.L.H.U
Reina’s hiking boots hit the ground with a soft thud, sending up a plume of dust. She dropped her backpack and turned back, reaching her arms into the air.
“Ok I’m ready. Toss down the equipment,” she said to Tim, who was sitting on top of the large barricade she had scaled.
Tim hugged his bag closer to him. “I don’t think this is a good idea, Reina. We had to sneak past way too many people and spent way too much in bribes to get here. Maybe we should let this one go.”
“Are you freaking serious?!” Reina whisper-yelled at him from the ground 10 feet below, throwing her hands in the air. “You KNOW we have to do this. Think about how much our views will climb. We’re the only ones! We will finally be able to do what we want with our channel, Tim. We can focus on what matters to us.”
Tim sighed, knowing that he always gave in to Reina eventually. He straddled the top of the barricade and slowly lowered the heavy bag of equipment down as far as he could before releasing it into Reina’s waiting arms.
Tim & Reina’s Extreme Adventures was what he wanted to be doing. He loved flying around the globe to famous locations with Reina, getting funding by casually plugging various sponsors during their videos of dangerous mountain climbs, deep sea cave dives, white water rafting, and desert excursions.
But Reina used their channel for another purpose. She had a second channel she called C.Th.U.L.H.U which stands for Conspiracy Theories, Urban Legends, mytHs, and the sUpernatural. Every trip they went was a smokescreen for her to do her research. When they did an extreme hike in the Andes, it was so she could search for evidence of the Pishtaco. When they were at Mammoth Caves in Kentucky, she recorded a great cave exploration video while actually looking for evidence of the Kentucky Goblin and Sasquatches.
They were getting ready to film a hike at Bottomless Lakes in Roswell, New Mexico 3 days ago, where Reina would be searching for evidence of alien life, when they heard about the quakes that had started outside the world’s major cave systems. Reina was hooked. “Tim, this has to be something! The governments closed in too fast around these cave systems, blocking them off from the public. And they sent the National Guard into Lechuguilla almost 2 days ago but they haven’t come out! There’s no way that they aren’t covering something up. It’s only a couple hours from here. We have to go, get the exclusive.”
That’s why Tim now jumps down off the government barricade and into the entrance of Lechuguilla Caverns. How Reina had talked her way past the National Guard he would never know. But she had and he couldn’t leave her alone.
Reina hefted her backpack on, then quickly checked her hair in the front facing camera of her phone.
“Ok Tim, all live streams today. You can record on the camera so we have a record but we’re using our hotspots to live stream this whole thing. That way there’s live proof of whatever all this,” she waved at the barricade “is covering up. Get ready.”
Tim picked up the video camera he had packed. It would both live stream and record a copy for the cloud. Reina turned on her hotspot and stuck it in her back pocket, clipped on the small microphone that paired with the camera, then looked at Tim with a dazzling smile waiting for the signal that they were live. Tim turned on his own hotspot as a back-up and pressed the power button on the camera while nodding at Reina.
“Hey thrill seekers! Tim and I have an absolute EXCLUSIVE for you today,” Reina’s voice was hushed as started walking slowly backwards. “Let us get a little further in before we reveal our location today.”
Tim slowly panned the camera around, giving their viewers a look at the cave walls and the barricade before starting after Reina into the cave system.
After walking for 5 minutes, Tim had switched on the night vision on the camera. They had snuck into the caves after dark and they were too far from the cave entrance to have any illumination from the lights of the National Guard camp. The good thing about their extreme adventures was that both of them were in great shape and could set a fast pace without breaking a sweat even while carrying the scaled down version of their gear they had brought along.
Reina must have thought that they were far enough into the cave that they could risk talking at full volume because she turned around with a conspiratorial grin aimed at the camera. Tim had kept the camera on Reina’s back for most of the journey, occasionally sweeping it around to give viewers a peek at the cave walls. Now he stopped walking and got ready.
“I know you’ve got your theories about where we are,” Reina held up her phone toward the camera, showing that she had been watching their livestream on mute during the walk. Comments were popping up at regular intervals and they were already at 200 viewers. “Tim and I have managed to get into Lechuguilla Caverns! If you’ve been paying attention to the news lately, you’ll know that about 3 days ago small earthquakes started happening all over the globe. But these aren’t like regular earthquakes. They’ve been happening sporadically that entire time, getting stronger and closer together. And they have only been occurring outside large cave systems, ones that haven’t been completely explored. Tim and I were about 100 miles north of Lechuguilla searching for the truth that’s out there,” Reina looked pointedly at the camera. “We knew that all of our fans would love for us to take on the ultimate extreme.” Reina spread her arms wide indicating the cave around her. “We’re gonna find out exactly what the government is hiding in the dark and unexplored depths of Lechuguilla.”
Reina turned around and started walking again. Tim followed, alternately filming Reina walking ahead of him and the cave around them.
“Some of our fans know that while Tim and I love our extreme adventures together, our true love is seeking the truth.” Reina turned her head and winked at the camera. “We have a second channel called C.Th.U.L.H.U where Tim and I look for the real truth and share everything we find with you. You can find our truth seeking page by clicking on the link in our ExtremeTimandReina bio. But today this is just as extreme as it is about seeking the truth. I mean we snuck past a government barricade to get in. But we all deserve the whole truth and that’s why Tim and I are doing this thing live, unedited and unfiltered. We have nothing to hide and we’re gonna expose whatever it is that’s being hidden here in the depths of Lechuguilla.”
As Reina gave a brief history of the cave system, Tim pulled their profile up on his phone. The comments were exploding with “OMG YOU GUYS ARE ”, “#REINASTRUTH”, “Tim and Reina FTW”, with multiple new comments popping up every second. They had over 5,000 live viewers now and the counter was still ticking up. Reina was glowing in the night vision of the camera, completely in her element. She had to know that they were trending since they’re the only ones with access to one of the quake sites.
But Tim was still uneasy. It wasn’t just jumping the barricade after sneaking past all those soldiers either. There was something about this cave.
“Oh my gosh you guys have to see Tim!”
While he had been lost in his thoughts, pondering his own reservations, Reina had come up to snatch the camera from his hands. She turned it toward him so that he was now the one on live while she kept talking.
“See how freaked Tim is? Tim, are you feeling it too? That buzz and those like weird vibrations from the ground every couple seconds?”
Tim knew his role in this, supporting Reina no matter what, so he nodded and reached out to take the camera from Reina so he could flip the attention back toward her.
“It’s kind of like the Taos hum but more physical. I can feel it from my feet up. Maybe the hum really is related to seismic activity. Or maybe there’s been something hiding deep in these caves for ages.”
Reina now started outlining different phenomena and cryptids associated with the area in New Mexico where the Lechuguilla cave system was located. She started out talking more about the Taos hum, moved into chupacabra lore, and finally started talking about skinwalkers and other indigenous legends common to the area.
By the time she finished, they had been walking through the caves for a little over an hour. For the most part, all signs of life and human visitors had long since disappeared.
That’s when Tim saw the darkened areas on the wall.
“Wait up Reina, what’s all this?” Tim panned the camera slowly across the cave wall on their left.
Tim hardly ever spoke or appeared on camera during their adventures, so Reina knew this was going to be good.
“Let’s flip off the night vision and use our flashlights to check it out,” Reina said as she pulled her flashlight out of the side pouch of her pack and moved behind Tim to grab his. She tapped Tim on the shoulder at exactly the same time as she flipped on her flashlight so that the transition from night vision would be as seamless as possible.
“Wow,” Reina whispered. “What is that?” Reina bent closer to examine the black stains at the point where the cave wall met the ground.
“Uhhh Reina…..”
Reina turned to see whatever it was that had Tim acting even more freaked out than normal.
“Ohmigod Tim! What happened here?!”
The ground was covered in shredded fabric and dark stains.
“Didn’t you say that the exploration team the Guard sent hasn’t come out yet?”
“Tim, there’s no way that the Guard did this.”
“No, Reina, I think this was the Guard.”
Reina looked closer at the ground and she saw what was definitely utility fabric, black pieces of plastic that could have been from radios, and a little further down the tunnel what was clearly a helmet.
“I think we need to turn back, Reina. This is not what we…”
“Shhh. I heard something.”
Reina peered down the dark tunnel of the cave and slowly stepped forward around the carnage on the ground.
“Reina, even our viewers want us to turn back,” Tim whispered to her. But Reina just waved a dismissive hand back at him and kept going.
“What is that?” Reina wondered out loud. Her flashlight glinted off something dark and shiny on the ground. She shone her light up a little further. A claw, attached to what was most definitely a scaled leg.
“Holy shit Tim! I think the government is running some weird animatronic Jurassic Park down here. This looks just like one of the raptors from Jurassic World. You know the ones Chris Pratt trained? Insane. What would they be using them for?”
Reina heard something hit the floor behind her and turned to see Tim staring at her, white with fear, the camera lying on its side on the floor. He raised a shaking hand to point past her and his warning of “run” came out as a broken whisper.
That was the only warning Reina had before a clawed arm reached out to grab her. Then her world was just teeth and blood and pain.
As her phone hit the ground, you could see the view count still climbing.
Here is my story
Dangerous Dinos
“Are you ladies ready??” Blake shimmies over with her current read in her hand.
“Girl, we have been planning this for months, of course we are ready.” Kelsie flops down on the couch causing it to jostle me and her pittie, Nonnie.
“Kels, it’s a 24 hour read-a-thon, what was there to plan? Bring books? Check. Know how to read. Check.”
Spencer snorts from the dining room table where she organizes our piles of books and goodies. “Actin’ like it wasn’t a small miracle to get us all together on a free day that happened to align with all our schedules AND had our men gone AND had child care so it could be just us girls…planning we did, bitch.”
Kelsie looks at me with a triumphant smirk. I stick my tongue out and sweetly flip her the bird then pop open my drink. “Whatever, I am just ready to get through some books from my TBR.”
Everyone makes sounds of agreement as we start building our little reading nests that we will be in for the next 23 hours and 57 minutes (not that I am counting). Once we all have made our resting places, Blake, Kelsie, and I head over to the table to look at what Spencer set up. All our books we brought and the gifts we got each other are stacked into four neat piles ready for a quick little photo shoot. She also put up some fun board games: TFLN, CAH, and a…”Wait, Spence, did you bring a Ouija board?”
“I brought all the games, ya. I figured we could try to talk to those beyond, unless you’re too scared” she mocks.
Blake speaks up first. “I am down. Maybe they can give us good book tips.” She laughs and starts to open the box. Kelsie puts her hand on the lid, stopping Blake from opening it. “Umm, no. We are not communicating with spirits in my house. If you want to do that, do it at one of your own homes. I don’t want bad mojo here.”
Blake groans dramatically. “Really, Kels, it’s not like it’s even real. Don’t be a chicken.” Kelsie refuses to move her hand and stares unblinkingly at Blake. Blake concedes.”Ugh, fine, we won’t play the game and I will never know what great advice we could get from the beyond.”
I scoff and not looking away from taking photos of all our stacks for social media, I reply “like you would take advice from anyone from the great beyond…if it ain’t smut, it aint for you sluhh..”
“Don’t finish that sentence Riley. You know for a fact I also read true crime. You are the one with the STFUATTDLAGG tattoo on your arm.” I grin, cause, she’s not wrong, but I also know for a fact that the whole set of books she brought for our read-a-thon is freaky smut. Werewolves, aliens, dinosaurs. I mean, c’mon. At least throw in a murder book to not be so obvious. I then look at my stack and see pretty much the same as hers. What can I say, I love spicy romances. Dark spicy ones at that, and I will never apologize for it.
“Ok, ok, put your lady dicks away. We all got together to have fun. Kels, I will put the board away.” Spencer takes the board and puts it in her bag that she brought all her stuff in. Blake and I smile at each other, flip each other off (my bird is flying a lot today), giggle, and go about checking out our gifts we got for each other.
Spencer and Kelsie start making our snacks and Blake and I get the mood set with music on the tv and grab drinks for everyone. Hey, we are here for a good time and what’s better than reading tunes? Probably nothing, haha. Blake picks a “summer of 2016 best hits” playlist and we all get in our seats and start to read. Anytime one of us gets up, we offer to grab refills and snacks and soon we are 8 hours in and have abandoned our books for a quick dinner and some board games. We talk about what we have read so far.
“I am so mad I didn’t start Zodiac Academy sooner, it is so intense.”
“I can't believe you have already finished it, Ri, you were on page one when we started” Kelsie says.
I shrug. “I got really into it and didn’t take as many breaks as the rest of you, but you all got decently far too.”
Blake, while taking a huge bite of the pizza we got for dinner, says “ya, I am reading the Beauty and the Beast retelling and I can’t tell which prince I love more. What is the trope of this book again?”
“Reverse harem. One woman, more than one dude.” Spencer says as she sips her wine.
“What are you reading again Spence?”
“House of Spirits. It’s magical realism.”
“I am not enjoying what I’m reading. It’s moving super slow” Kelsie sighs.
“Then give it the boot, girl, we have stacks to pick from. You even have your library here.”
“Why don’t you and I read the same one, Kels? I am kinda over House of Spirits anyway” Spencer offers.
“What are you changing to?”
Spencer smirks behind her wine glass. “Sexual Tyrannosaurus."
I choke on my Jack and coke. “What?!”
“I didn’t know Spencer had it in her. I want in on this. I can read about the princes anytime.” Blake is bouncing up and down in her seat; finding a new book always peaks her interest. That and the second buzz ball might have something to do with it.
Smiling, a little tipsy from her 4th glass of wine, Kelsie says “I mean, I am down to try it at least, it has to be better than what I’ve been reading so far.”
“Well, I don’t want to be left out. I need to start one anyway so I guess I’ll read about dino dicks too.”
We all grab our Kindles and download the book. Before we go back to reading, we play a couple board games and clean up from the dinner mess. We keep enjoying the night (and by that I mean we keep on drinking). We head back to the living room and we all start to read Sex T Rex. As we are reading, we all keep gasping and looking up at each other, grinning, not wanting to spoil anything, but loving the story.
More drinks, more smut. This is really the life. We are a little over half way through our time and even with the enticing literature, we are all starting to lose momentum.
“Ok…how bout…how bout a game” Blake slurs.
“Yea…ya a game. I love games!” Kelsie shouts and then covers her mouth giggling realizing she is drunk screaming.
“We played all the games I brought, Blake, what else could we play?” Spencer sighs from her pillow cocoon.
“Not all of them..” Blake sing-songs.
“Kelsie said no Blake, let it go.” I say from under my blankie fort.
“No, no, I didn’t. What game? Let's do it. Please.” Kelsie stands and sways, begging.
“See? Kelsie isn’t a punk. Brab the Goard…I mean grab the board. Let’s converse with the dead.”
Blake crawls to Spencer’s bag and pulls the board out of the bag while Kelsie claps off beat and sing-songs: to the dead.
Spencer and I simultaneously groan and crawl out of our spaces and we all meet in the middle of the living room floor, surrounding the board. We sit, put a hand on the planchette, and Blake asks the first question.
“Hello, spirits. Anyone out there looking to chat with some sexy ladies?’
We all giggle. This is insane. All of the sudden the planchette moves. We all stop giggling and look at the board.
“I must be drunker than I thought; I could have sworn that thing just moved” Spencer says in disbelief.
“That’s not funny Blake, knock it off” Kelsie scolds.
Blake is shaking her head side to side vigorously. “That wasn’t mean, I fucking swear. It must have been Riley.”
“Hey, don’t blame me. You were the one who wanted to commune with the dead.”
We all sit for a second and then Spencer says “Are you good or bad, Spirit?”
The planchette moves again. B-O-T-H
“Both. Huh, we have a comedian in the air.” I scoff. Who knew even ghosts could be tools. “Ok, Both, have you been in the beyond for long?”
B-O-T-H
“What does that mean?” Kelsie asks, irritated by this whole thing now. Yes and no.
“Ok, dickhead, if you have been in the beyond for a long time and not a long time, does that mean you are in limbo?”
Yes.
Oh shit. I whisper “Didn’t Supernatural make limbo the space for non human creatures.”
“That’s purgatory, Riley,” Spencer replies.
Same thing I think.
S-A-M-E the planchette spells…
We all freeze.
“Wh..what are you?” Kelsie asks tentatively.
D-I-N-O..
We all take our hands off like we had just been electrocuted.
“Oh haha, very funny assholes. A dinosaur…really, fuck this, I’m taking a nap.” Blake gets up and goes to her “be” and instantly zonks out. Kelsie follows but keeps one eye on the board as she lays down. Spencer and I, sitting across from each other, just stay still.
So, if none of us was controlling the board…there’s no way.
“Blake is just pranking us” Spencer mumbles while staring down at the board in concentration. Like if she stares hard enough it will tell her this was all a joke.
“Probably.”
“She seemed just as freaked as us though.”
“Probably an act.”
“Probably…” Spencer gets up and goes to her bed. Pretty soon everyone around me is asleep.
I put my hands on the planchette. I shouldn’t do this. This is crazy. “Are you a dinosaur?”
B-O-T-H
“A dino/person combo?”
B-O-T-H
“A dino/person/demon/paranormal blend?”
Yes.
Oh fuck.
H-E-L-P
“Help? How?”
R-E-L-E-A-S-E-M-E
“That doesn’t sound like the best idea…”
F-O-L-L-O-W-T-H-E-S-E-I-N-S-T-R-U-C-T-I–O-N-S
*************************************************************************************************************
I wake up to the sound of chatter from the kitchen. I pull my blanket closer around me and then still. When did I come to bed? Last thing I remember I was talking to the dangerous dino and then..nothing. What a weird dream.
I stretch and get up to join the girls for breakfast. As I am coming in I catch the last of Kelsie’s sentence
“...what are these odd it’s happening everywhere but here?”
“What’s happening?” I yawn.
Blake looks at me “You didn’t check your phone?”
I shrug. “I just got up, what did I miss?”
Spencer answers first “Tremors. Like earthquakes all over the globe. And weird sightings, like the Earth splitting in two. And people are claiming things seem to be climbing up.”
“Are we all still drunk? That can’t be real.”
Spencer turns her phone to me. “See for yourself”
I grab her phone and look at the video. My stomach drops. Huge cracks over so many countries all over the world. I scroll. Someone posted on their personal social media an up close view of the newly made cavern. You can hear grumbling and growling. The hairs on my arms stand on end. Release me. There’s no way.
The ground starts shaking. Nonnie stirs, looks out the window and barks towards the front yard.
“What the fuck was that?” Blake shouts, but there is nothing I can think to say. This is all my fault. What the actual fuck am I supposed to do. I honestly thought I dreamt the whole thing. Did that demon dino make me let him out? Is that even possible?
We all go out front to assess the damage and see the road split in two.
I get close, despite the shouts from my friends.
A deep grumble sounds from below.
Something massive is waking up.
“oh…shit..”
Spooky Scary Skeletons
It’s that time of year to get shivers down your spine!
Since Kyler was born (and maybe even before) we have spent Halloween at my sister’s house. It’s a nice neighborhood, lots of places to trick or treat, lots of people come to the door, and my sister is a great host. She plays movies on her porch wall and hands out FULL bars. Ya, she is that house.
It is a place where my family and I feel comfortable and safe spending Halloween. We even have our friends come over.
With the holiday season coming up (and more holidays to come), it makes me long for memories I won’t get to make with Blaze. He won’t be a tiny skeleton or pumpkin. I will never buy him a costume he will wear all year long. I won’t be able to “test his candy” or “take the mom tax” as Donovan calls it. I won’t get to hold him when he is scared of the ghosts and ghouls at peoples houses. And that sucks. BUT I am grateful I get to do that with Kyler. He is so excited to wear his costume and trick or treat. He talks about bringing his friends with him.
As the holidays come and go, I know I will take my time to enjoy and to mourn. I just hope that Blaze knows we wish he was with us and I hope he and Titi Dominique are up there having an awesome Halloween, trick or treating, carving pumpkins, and she is taking an “auntie tax” to test his candy. It goes with out say, but I say it anyway: I miss them both very much.
I hope everyone has a Happy Halloween and is safe. Trick or Treat!
Compiled of Nuggets and Fries
Nuggets and fries…nuggies and french fries….I am 99% sure my son is mostly a giant chicken nugget with fry limbs. And who can blame him? Nuggets and fries are an awesome meal staple.
But one cannot survive on chicken nuggies and fries alone, much to my child’s dismay.
Our pediatrician let us know as our son learns to try new food, chewing it and spitting it out still gives him some nutrients so just be patient and keep at it.
I feel like kids just mirror those around them at some point.
The same kid who loves dino chicken nuggets also eats octopus and pickled onions. And requests squid (and noodles).
It just depends on who is around him.
I personally am a very picky eater. I have a hard time with food touching and textures. An example is that I can eat lettuce in salads BUT I cannot have it warm on a burger nor will I eat it shredded. I have no idea where this comes from but it’s how I survive. I try to eat or try things in front of Kyler, but sometimes a girl just wants to eat chicken tenders and fries too.
Dad is way more adventurous when it comes to cuisine. (Sometimes too adventurous, haha). He tries everything twice (once for first impression and twice to be sure) and is the reason we all try new things. He got Kyler to like crab and squid and pickled onions and lemons and anything out of his norm.
I have to say, we have also found success of getting Kyler to try new things by cooking it with him at home AND in restaurants. He loves being in the kitchen, has his own tools, and knows how to be around appliances safely (never goes with out an adult and asks to help, not to control). At restaurants, we go to places like Hot Pot where you pay by the hed, pick a ase for your soup, pick three meats for the table, and then grab food off a refrigerated conveyor belt. Kyler LOVES this place. He constantly asks to go and is slowly adding more than just noodles to his broth. We started with “I only want fries” to “I want to try noodles” to now going “I want meat and vegetables to grow strong”.
Does he eat all of it? No. Most of it? No. But is it worth it as he is taking initiative for eating better? Absolutely. I will do whatever it takes to make this boy happy and if it means going to spend some cash or just trying some crazy concoction with him (like ground beef with banana and cinnamon) to cut his nuggie and fries addiction, I am all for it.
So to those out there who have kids who only eat nuggies and fries: goof for you. Getting food in their belly is best. If you want to help them change their diet, I suggest doing it with them, turning it into a game, or even finding something crazy like a Hot Pot restaurant (as long as your wallet allows).
Happy Tummies and eat up!
On Replay
I KNOW I am not the only parent or person to go through this. I myself fall victim to this all the time. Finding a song and then putting it on replay. I think sometimes I think it should irritate me, but honestly, I am loving finding out the kind of songs Kyler likes to listen to.
Personally, I love music; I love singing and always wanted to be a singer when I grew up. My dream job in Kindergarten was to be a millionaire singing nun with a boyfriend. I can remember singing with my Poppy around their house. He used to make up songs on our drives around town. I still remember roller skating kitty cat. I remember getting my first CD: John Cena’s You Can’t See Me album.
I didn’t do my first public karaoke until I was tipsy in Georgia in 2019. I went back to that bar every night and sang.
I sang at church in choirs.
I sing to my sons. I pick lullabies for them (Once Upon a December from the movie Anastasia and Once upon a Dream from Sleeping Beauty for Blaze) and then sing songs at random until they calm down. Kyler had a few: I’ll Make Love to You (Boyz II Men), The Way (Kehlani), The Lion Sleeps Tonight (The Token).
Once Kyler started being able to communicate interest in music, I started learning a whole new set of songs.
Of course it always started with the Blue and Orange man (haha he is our Voldemort, I won’t even type his name on the chance that Kyler reads this and then remembers he likes the songs from the show). I could have done without the typical nursery songs, but gotta start somewhere.
Then we moved on to Disney songs and songs from Sing 2. This I could get behind.
Then we got our own playlist in Daddy’s phone. I find it so cute that my son like Vic Mensa.
And we got a lot of songs on Mommy’s phone. Most of my music is basically sing a long stuff anyway so it was something we both do together.
And Mee-Maw started using songs to send messages about what the day held as far as adventures. He loves “Car Wash” by Rose Royce.
Then he started paying attention to movie soundtracks and we started jamming out to those. Youtube became a big hit because we could put songs in a queue and he could jam on. As I write this, I can hear the first big repeat Youtube song for him(here is the link to listen for yourself and have it on repeat in your head too, haha):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RI6UT82cB_E&list=RDRI6UT82cB_E&start_radio=1
If I had started earlier, I could probably have recorded every song Kyler ever showed interest in, but for now here are the “few” I remember:
-Where the Hood At ~DMX
-Don’t Think I’m Not ~Kandi
-Case of My Ex ~Mya
-I’ll Make Love to You-Boyz II Men
-Honey~Kehlani
-Butter~BTS
-Somebody to Love~Queen (he also started making sounds around this time so he would coo to this one)
-Sky Full of Stars~Sing 2…really the whole Sing and Sing 2 soundtracks
-ANYTHING from Gabby’s Dollhouse
-The Wish Soundtrack
-The Encanto Soundtrack
-We could be Free~Vic Mensa
-Snoop Dogg kids songs
-A Matter of Perspective from Dr. Waffle on TikTok
-Drippo the Hippo from Dr. Waffle on TikTok
-The Axolotl Song from Dr. Waffle on TikTok
-The World’s Smallest Violin~AJR
-Defying Gravity~the covered version by Third Reprise feat. Amanda Barise
-Pale Pale Moon~the Sinners Soundtrack by Jayme Lawson
-What it Sounds Like~KPop Demon Hunters
-How it’s Done~KPop Demon Hunters
-Wrecking Ball~Miley Cyrus
-The Gummy Bear Song
-This is the Song that Doesn’t End~Lamb Cops
-Who Let the Dogs Out~Bahamen
-When I’m Human~Princess and the Frog soundtrack
-Dig a Little Deeper~Princess and the Frog soundtrack
-Honestly, the Princess and the Frog Soundtrack
-Trolls Band Together Soundtrack
-Good Tonight~Bad Guys Soundtrack
-MUTT~Leon Thomas
-Row~Sail North
-September~Earth, Wind, and Fire
-The Techno Toddler guy from Australia
I know I am missing a ton, but this is a little peek into his mind.
I am going to add all the ones I remember to a playlist specifically on my phone for him so he can listen back and see how his ear for tunes has changed and grown and maybe some songs will bring a smile to his face because it is attached to a memory, like so many songs are for me.
Keep singing, dancing, and living care free.
Q and A with KKW
Kyler’s answers are in “quotes” and Moms assumptions are bold and in italics
1. What is something mommy always says to you? “i don’t know” I love you.
2. What makes you happy? “jumping” playing
3. What makes you sad? “um actually, crying” when people go to work
4. What makes you laugh? “giggling…umm actually, playing, hehehehe” everything
5. How old are you? “um actually, 4” four
6. How old is Mommy? “you’re 13” i assumed he would ask me…he had other ideas
7. How old is Daddy? “16” haha again, i assumed a question, but hey, he made daddy older than me so I can’t argue that
8. What is your favorite thing to do? “actually, run around” watching kids crew
9. Who is your best friend?" “um actually, Emiyae and Madelyn” mee-maw and daddy
10. What do you want to be when you grow up? “eating food” a racecar driver or a construction worker
11. What are you really good at? “playing around with my toys” cleaning. this boy cleans everything
12. What are you not very good at? “actually not good at cleaning up” i assumed he would have said nothing.
13. What did you do today?' “played a monster truck and get a snow mobile” go to school and hang out with nana (shireen)
14. What is your favorite food? “actually umm…chicken nuggets and fries and pancakes.” lobster (he always request lobster and crab with his nuggets and fries)
15. What is your favorite song? “actually the done done done song, K-Pop Demon Hunters (how it’s done).” row by sail north
16. What do you want for your birthday this year? '“pancakes and a perfect snowmobile and a special crane.” honestly…this tracks…i would not have had an answer, haha
17. What is your favorite animal? “a giraffe” i would have guessed giraffe. He has been pretty consistent about this for a little while.
18. What is love? “actually i like my dad” this answer makes me smile. he sees dad as love. his father is what i think of when i think of love too.
19. What does daddy do for work? “Actually at work he gives somebody the shoes back” i mean…he’s not wrong.
20. Where do you live? “to my house” he definitely does call home his house so I would have said the same thing
21. Where is your favorite place to go? “to my house” now see, i thought this would have been to California which is what he calls the mall.
I found this questionnaire on https://bebehblog.com/toddler-interview-21-questions/ and decided to interview Kyler. I might do this every year and see how his little processing brain develops and changes.
Don’t be Tardy for the Potty
It’s real. It’s happening. We are live. We are potty training. I honestly hoped he would just catch on because I knew I would not even know where to begin. I didn’t train myself, so how was I supposed to teach my little boy how to use the bathroom? School had started this process last year, and we were supportive of that. All the kids would go to the bathroom together to see the different level of how their friends get to use the big kid potty and usually, that sets off a competitiveness in children and then they want to try.
Kyler is a leader…much to our dismay. He saw his friends and I guarantee he thought “good for them” all while laying on the changing table, happy as a clam. Seeing all the other kids use the big kid potty did not motivate him into joining in on that experience.
School gave us tips for at home attempts, but Kyler wouldn’t budge. He hated the feel of accidents, was petrified of the big potty, refused to dirty his Bluey potty…we were at a loss.
So we just conceded. He could be in diapers a little longer. Summer came and went. Then it was time to go back to school. Now, he was in a more independent class and so the teacher let us know that if we could send Kyler in/use pull ups, that would be great (her kind way of saying, no more diapers, it’s time to move on to the potty).
I was irritated. He wasn’t ready. Kyler was vocal about not wanting the big boy potty and pull ups were not as easy to change as diapers.
Enter the voice of reason: Dad.
“He is old enough. It is time to start potty training FOR REAL. He doesn’t get to dictate anymore. I am all for no meaning no and body autonomy, but we have to differentiate between him saying no because he knows we will stop and no because he is feeling a violation of body and privacy. If he is not screaming and crying, we got to power through the no. We can acknowledge them, but we still got to get on the potty.”
I was upset. I didn’t know what I was doing and I was worried this was going to be as bad as weaning him from a pacifier (weeks of nights of crying). And failure wasn’t an option either. it’s not like he COULD be in diapers forever out of ease for me (and honestly me not wanting to admit he was growing up).
“I don’t know what or how to do this, Dee.”
“We are a team, we will figure it out together. We both just need to be on the same page.”
I sighed and agreed.
So it began. Dad and I were both home with Kyler, so we sat down and explained it was time for the big boy potty. Kyler let us know that he did not feel it WAS time for the big boy potty. I sat next to him and asked why. He said “well, you could just change my dippy [diaper].” I said “I can see why you think that that’s an easy plan, but buddy, I won’t be able to do that forever. And so we are just gonna give it a try, ok?”
It was not ok, but we did it anyway.
We started off with an accident. We went and cleaned up, sat on the toilet to make sure the “tank” was empty. I sat with him and started to ask questions. Did he feel any sensations before he went? Does he think he can tell Mommy and Daddy if he feels them again?
We put on new training pants and then tried again. No more accidents on day one.
After two weeks, we started not needing as much prompting (being forced to sit on the toilet every 90 minutes for 4 minutes) and we started saying we had to use the potty. We were becoming more aware that we did not want accidents because they required a lot of clean up. We would rather just go in the potty.
I will say this was a village effort. Of course we have Mee-Maw and K-Pop at home so there was plenty of support for heading to the porcelain throne.
When we were at Nana’s, we got support. My Nana was actually very excited to go through the process and had a lot of success on her days.
My sister is for sure Kyler’s biggest fan and supporter. She went out and bought potty prizes and special underpants and made sure when we (Mom, Dad, and Kyler) were getting to a breaking point to come over with a gift and spark a joy in learning again. Kyler also feels safe enough with her that he can be fully upset in front of her about his experience. She sits with him and listens and explains and then all of the sudden Kyler has a 180 of emotions and is happy and wanting to do things for her prizes.
This has been quite a first for me and as much of a reward as this experience is, like anything else with parenting, it is not for the faint of heart. And no two kids are the same with their training process: be that how you get 'em on the toilet, how you motivate them to actually use it once they’re on there, how long until they are successful…none of it is going to be cookie cutter clean.
But to be fair, the bathroom is dirty business.
To those potty training: God speed.
Here it Goes Again
So, school has started again. I can say it has been an adjustment. This year we started school as business owners so instead of traveling all the time (we did a lot of traveling to headquarters last year), we got to really do the school experience.
A few things I have learned:
This is not like last year. We were coddled for sure as parents and students and so it was more free spirited than school structured. Neither is bad, it was just something to adjust to as parents. I got used to the lax lifestyle and somehow I seem to have forgotten that I had a schedule I had to adhere to when I went to school. I miss the “little kid” days, but I keep being reminded that my son is a big boy. “Closer to 5 than a baby” Dad has said to me. (Yes, I did inform him that my son could be 75 and still be my baby and he was not amused, haha.)
We are not morning people. Why is there no kid night school?! Haha. We have been working on being better about getting up with time to spare instead of basically needing to be dressed the night before so we can make it out the door on time. (Having Mee-Maw be an early bird helps too.) Kyler did acclimate to the bedtime adjustment, thank goodness. Is he happy to be woken up for school? Nope. Is anybody really? Nope. But he perks up by the time he get to campus, so that’s a plus for the faculty.
Kyler is an amazing kid. Of course I knew that, but as a parent sometimes we worry that it might not translate that way for everyone. It’s so nice that he doesn’t seem to be the child who the teachers love but can be frustrating. My son is strong willed and stubborn, I have a feeling it could be a possibility. I just am glad he and the teachers communicate well enough that they have a positive relationship.
I suspect every school year we are going to start with a classroom change shock and by week 2 all will be well. I am excited for school this year to be more like school for Kyler and to see how he grows.
I am a Mother of Two
When Blaze was gone, my identity felt like it went away on a breeze. Who was I? What was I? How many kids do I have? Am I a mother of just one since Blaze never truly made it all the way? If I don’t claim to be his Mom too, does that mean I didn’t really love him? I came to a conclusion: He is my son, no matter where he is. I am a Mother of two.
When people out in society ask us “how many kids do you have” I now answer “two.”
“Oh how old?” This is where I started to stumble. “Well, my oldest is four and my youngest has passed. He made it 32 weeks before he went back home to Heaven.”
Then come the awkward “Oh, I’m so sorry.” followed by me saying “It’s ok. We miss him, but this is how it is for us.” to then go to an awkward silence and then a huge conversation shift.
I get it. Loss and grief are hard. People don’t want to “make you sadder” by asking probing questions. They don’t know the feeling and so they apologize for potentially making you feel them and then figure the best thing to do is run in a different direction so we don’t sit and simmer in the sadness.
I can’t hold that against anyone. I don’t know what I would do if I was in their shoes. I might not ever because my experience has changed me.
I didn’t realize, though, how much it hurt me and made me feel less like a Mother of two.
We as parents can’t help but to brag and be proud of our kids and it felt like that was constantly being taken from me with Blaze. He is such a special boy and I just never got to share that.
Until one day at work. July 23, 2025. I was working on our sales floor (which is not common for me but it absolutely possible) and I had a customer come in. We go through our process and get to talking and she shares she works with neurodivergent children in a school setting. Young ones too. Aged 3-4. I started to do the natural inquiry on how the job brought her purpose and what tasks she has to do that are obviously going to be different from a neurotypical setting. And she mentions potty training.
I instantly bombard her with questions. Any advice she has to give I will welcome because Kyler is against using a big boy potty and I know we need to start getting into that. She tells me all her tricks (food coloring in the water so they can make it change color, sinking the cheerio, stuff like that,) and then proceeds to ask me how many kids I have. I say two. One who is four and one who has passed. She asks how. I explain it happened at 32 weeks, it was love knots. She says “I bet he was a special boy.” I felt myself smile “He is. We talk about him all the time, we have mementos around the house. My oldest brings those momentos to join him in play. He sleeps with an angel bear at night with Blaze’s name on it. We have a very special family.” She then starts sharing about her family. How they are all different and special and unique. We talk for what was probably a long time but felt like no time at all. She purchases her product and thanks me for my help and leaves.
I don’t think I am going to forget her or her family or her story. I don’t even know if she realizes the gift she gave me. She allowed me to be a Mom of two. I got to talk about him and share our experience and I didn’t feel shame or like I had to speed through it or the conversation was going to change.
I will always be grateful to every person who has come in contact with me during the journey. Everyone has met me with compassion and kindness.
But this felt different. I got to speak about my son out loud in public. I got to say his name, tell his story; I got to brag and be proud.
To the person who showed up at my job to buy some shoes: you might not have meant to but you impacted my journey; helped heal a little bit of me. I will forever be a grateful Mother of Two.
I Said I Hated Him
Bear with me. This is a journey. I mean to be fair, every single one of these is a journey through my mind but this one you gotta just power through.
I was raised Catholic. I tried getting the kids at my public preschool to say grace and the teachers had to tell my Mom to tell me that I could not force others to say grace with me.
I went through my sacraments. I even TAUGHT to other youth.
I had discussions with my Husband. He even came to the classes I taught and would ask questions.
I volunteered at my Church. I sang, I read, I served.
When Kyler was born, I made sure he was baptized as soon as possible. He even has a Baptism birthday. September 18, 2021. What’s crazy is I mix up his actual birthday date (6/21/23 when its 6/23/21) but I NEVER don’t know his Baptism birthday.
My husband and I were married outside the Church but have every intention of getting our marriage blessed.
When Blaze was born and passed, I made sure he had Last Rites and made sure his service was done with a Catholic priest.
But from the moment the doctors told me there was no sign of life, my strength in my faith disappeared.
“Have faith that God has a plan.” That’s what my husband said to me when we had a moment alone.
With venom on my tongue and hate filling every empty part of my broken shell of a heart I replied “Fuck God. No God of mine would do this to me. And if the God I have given everything to did do this to me, then He is no longer my God.”
I felt like I meant it. What cruel Father would ALMOST give me my son, take him away, and then make the only way to have us apart be for me to BIRTH him?
People kept telling me “God has a bigger plan…God must have needed him back…”
So the All Knowing God made a mistake? And my family and I had to foot the bill? So either He is all knowing and did this to us for…I couldn’t even imagine a reason OR He isn’t all knowing nor all powerful and He is a fraud. Still not getting my loyalty at this point.
After the service for Blaze, we were driving and a song about the Devil came on. “I guess I don’t believe in Him either. How is it even possible for someone to hold on to a grudge for this long? Maybe I don’t believe in the whole story.” My husband calmly said “If that’s how you feel now, I understand.”
I broke down into tears. “If I don’t believe in God or the Devil or any of it, what do I do? Who do I put my faith in? Who is going to guide me? How can I see my son again if I don’t believe in Heaven?”
Husband, with patience said “I think you are hurting and taking it out on anything you can think of. I don’t think you don’t believe; that would make you not you. You’re just broken and lost right now. Maybe take baby steps back to faith. Talk to someone you trust won’t judge you for this. That will only harden your anger and make you defensive. But you know deep down you believe in something. We all do.”
So I took what he said and sat with it. I thought of who I could talk to and who could hear me without judgement. Who would listen with love and understanding. I decided to talk to the Mother of Mothers: Mary. If there was a Mother who could understand my pain, it would be her. The woman gave birth to her son KNOWING He would have to sacrifice himself for us.
She hugged me and said “When you’re ready. We aren’t abandoning you. We are here. Always.” I mean, spiritually she did this. (Imagine this was my claim to Mother Mary coming down to Earth once again to give me a quick pat on the head and then head back up beyond the pearly gates.) I cried and cried. I know I said what I said in anger and can’t take it back. I just want my son.
I still don’t get why. I am still mad and lost and hurting. But I don’t truly hate God. I just, like many before and many to come after me, am lost.
I truly love my faith, I am Catholic through and through, but this experience has been quite the test to see if I will believe even when times get tough.
I couldn’t tell you if I passed or failed this test, but I have a Mom on my side and Moms love unconditionally. And that’s a great start to healing.
So This is the New Normal
I struggle with this idea a lot.
Life changes always need adjustments to acclimate but this? This is different.
I will always have a little gray cloud with me. I will always feel like I never got enough time. I will always feel like the future I saw was ripped away from me. I will always miss my son. I will always miss what could have been.
I will always miss my SIL. I will miss the potential of nieces and nephews from her and her partner. I will miss all the times I could call and get pop culture references taught and explained to me through laughter (and a little judgment). I will miss being annoyed with her in only the way sisters can be annoyed with each other.
My new normal will be moments of pure joy filled with smiles and laughter and then twinges of guilt for feeling like those who are gone might think I forgot them.
My new normal will be moments where I just want to scream and hit something because none of this is fair.
My new normal will be just asking why. Why take him? Why allow her to fight only to lose? What are the lessons? What are the reasons? What am I supposed to learn from this?
My new normal is so unpredictable but it’s the cards I have been dealt and I have to accept them with grace because they are mine either way.
Three Major Stepping Stones with Blaze Āzari
April 16th- The day I met and lost my son. I felt so numb and didn’t know what to do. The only thing I needed to do was keep moving forward. I have two sons and one is still on Earth with me. He needs me. I NEVER wish for a parent to have to choose between children. I felt like every decision was wrong. There was no winning. I sit with my newborn/newly deceased baby because I am so sad and so lost BUT that leaves my live child at home. Of course he has so many people to support him, but not me. I can’t imagine making either child feel like one was loved more than the other. It tore me up inside to leave my second born at the hospital morgue. I’m his Mom. I should be with him so he isn’t alone or scared. As illogical as that thought process was, it was what I thought. A person in grief doesn’t have the capacity to be logical. I spent 8 hours with my second born. I will never feel like that will be enough. I only held my baby for 8 hours. I could have taken all the time I needed and only took 480 minutes. It felt like a blink of an eye.
May 30th- The day we put our son to rest. We had our service at the burial site. I think Husband knew I could not go through hours of service. It was probably no more than 15 minutes. I went back to step one. I was numb and silently crying staring at the little empty hole we were going to lay my son’s body to rest. People came and hugged me and touched me. I can not even recall a single person who was there beyond my Husband and my sons and the priest. Of course I am sure my parents were there and Husband’s family.
This was the first time I saw my son’s father carry him. This man has carried so many to their resting place and when he said he would carry our son…there isn’t a word to describe my emotions. I love him for carrying our boy to his place of rest and relaxation. I will never forget how small that casket was. I have seen a few in my life, but all held adults. To see one person be able to carry a box no longer than a ruler…there aren’t any words. My son’s Father also spoke at the service. He talked about our little flame being extinguished too soon. I am not sure how much time passed, but then my husband let me know it was time to go. I stood up and instantly broke. A cry of pain I couldn’t hold in any longer escaped me and I cried into my partner’s chest. He put me in the car and talked with everyone who showed up. I sat and cried. I was leaving my baby again. He was going to be with other babies in this cemetery. I hope they all play and are friends. There is a baby out there with the exact same birthday as my first born. I wonder if that baby is being the older sibling Blaze doesn’t get to grow old with on Earth…
June 17th- This is the day I was SUPPOSED to meet Blaze. For us to start our life together as Mother and Son. For him to be a baby brother and a grandchild, a son and a cousin. He was supposed to make friends at school. Fall in love. Have dreams and surpass them. I went to get a tattoo on this day. When Kyler turned one, I got a little tattoo of him to commemorate his birth. So on Blaze’s due date, I did the same. My artist heard my vision and gave me the best piece to memorialize him by. He sits up on my collar bone, being the little angel he is watching over the rest of us. I didn’t cry on this day. I think that shocked me the most. I felt at peace getting a work of art for my son. This might have been the only day since Blaze passed that I didn’t shed a tear.
Truly, each day is a stepping stone in a direction. Not always forward, not always backwards. Sometimes, it’s just marching in place. These dates though, I won’t forget. These dates will always be a reminder of my son. Of the one I never got to see grow up. Of my Little Monster. A flame doused too soon.
“That’s Dumb”-My Husband
An Abortion. They called it an abortion. I was forced to birth my son and they called it an abortion. For the medical paperwork. It read words like “fetal demise” and “abortion”. That felt like a low blow. Like salt in a festering wound. I told my husband. “That’s dumb. That’s really stupid.” That was his response. I felt validated. I too hated that they labeled the birth of my son with a word that has such controversy attached to it. It also brought to light such an important issue to notice. Had I not been in California in this political climate, I might not have been able to go through the process as safely as I did. We had already been noticing I was staying sick with Blaze. I just equated it to different pregnancy, different symptoms. In other states, I would have had to carry to term which would have put me at risk since there was no risk to my sweet boy anymore. He was gone.
They had done a full autopsy and biopsy on our son. We opted in for it to make sure we knew exactly why our baby did not make it out alive. The results came back: he was perfectly fine. Perfectly healthy baby. He had a lot of knots in his umbilical cord. “Love knots” is the term I think I saw somewhere. It is super common and can generally be harmless, unless they get tugged too tight. His cord got tugged too tight. It cut off his nutrition supply. He had been gone about a month before I delivered him. Cue the goosebumps because that was when Husband woke up from a dead sleep and said he was worried and couldn’t feel our son. What a wild revelation.
But labeling the birth of my son as an abortion is not something I am ever going to be ok with. It’s not going to sit well with me. It’s not fair to dishonor his memory with fetal demise and abortion.
He is my son. He is my boy. He was born on April 16, 2025. He was marked deceased on April 16, 2025. I didn't choose to lose him. I didn’t want to lose him. It was unfair. To quote my husband loosely “it was dumb.”
I Love and Hate Wednesdays
Isn’t that a weird thing to have a complex relationship with? A day of the week? I love and hate Wednesdays. Wednesdays as themselves are the split to a week. Half way through to the weekend and if I worked a regular job, that might have been a good thing, but I run a business. Wednesday means nothing to me other than I get a specific type of clientele because it seems to be older people doctor day. I don’t know the witchcraft behind that, haha it just is. And it is always stubborn elderly. Thank goodness I was raised with stubborn elderly people, so I can handle them.
Wednesday gave me my first son. He was born at 5:51am Wednesday morning of June 23rd and so I loved Wednesdays.
Wednesday took my SIL. She passed away on a Wednesday in March. A rainy day in MArch, true to her dramatics, haha. I felt sadness for Wednesdays.
Wednesday gave and took away my second son. Blaze was born April 16th at 9:57am. I got to sit with him for 8 hours and then had to give him to the hospital staff because I had to go home to my son still on this plane. I never wanted another Wednesday to come again. I didn’t know if I loved or hated this Wednesday. Probably both.
I am not sure how I will handle Wednesdays in the future, but I know they offer good and bad. I love and hate them and think that might be how it always will be.
The Most Taxing Tax Day April 15, 2025
This story is written as I had experienced it. Chaotically. I have gone through it, but I am leaving it as is as it is as true and raw and real as anything I have ever written. This is the story of how I lost my second born. My little Flame. I love you Little Monster; I am so sorry this is how our story begins.
To everyone who was a part of that day, who took calls, made calls, who spoke to me, who thought of me, to everyone who grieved with me and mine: thank you. I again don’t know if I said it to anyone at the time, but I never once thought I wasn’t loved or supported nor did I think my son wasn’t loved or supported and it is because of you all; my community. My family, my friends, the L&D staff, everyone. Thank you
I woke up at 7:45 am. Groggy. Why do I always book early AM appointments? I act as if one day I will just flip a switch and be a morning person. I think that I got being a morning person out of my system in my youth. I blame the school systems, haha. I got dressed in a new dress that my Mom had gotten for me for maternity wear. I hadn’t really been shopping for any maternity wear because I wear stretchy clothes for work and it was April. Baby is due in June. I figured a couple dresses would help me tough out the heat until arrival of Baby 2.
My Mom got up and went with me to the appointment. She is also my doula and has been very active during this whole process. An unusually quiet car ride, but I am tired and pregnant. Give us some grace.
I go up the stairs of the hospital while she parks the car, check myself in, and sit to wait for my appointment. Mom makes it in time before I am taken back, but they always pull me in first solo. For safety to ask me if I am ok and safe at home, etc. I get to the room, get on the table/bed, whatever you want to call the thing in the office and wait for everyone to arrive.
My Mom and the doctor come in and the doctor asks how I am doing. I say “we are fine although, husband is worried Baby is not a mover, so I want to comfort him and make sure we get proof that he is ok.” She tells me that I should “try eating and then instantly lay on my side. That tends to get Baby moving.”
We then do the usual measurements and she pulls out the little heart monitor they use to listen to Baby. It’s quiet, but Kyler ALWAYS hid from that monitor. I got to get a quick ultrasound every time with Kai because he would just dodge the mini monitor. So the doctor goes to get the ultrasound machine and comes back in. We get me gelled up and she starts to scan.
This is where everything starts to change.
She goes and gets another doctor. He comes in and scans as well and says “you’re right. He’s gone.” My Mom instantly breaks down. I furrow my brow and say “who? Who is gone?” The doctors both look at me with sad eyes and say “I’m so sorry. There is no sign of life.” I instantly feel my world stop.
I start to try to get up. I am holding my belly. I am screaming. I am crying. I am begging for my phone. I am asking them to help me fix this. It can’t be true. Please. Please it can’t be true. I swear he just moved. I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt him. Help me help him. I have to call my husband. Someone please tell me this isn’t true. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
The doctors hold me. My Mom leaves the room to call my Dad to tell my husband. I am pleading and crying and inconsolable. He was just here. I swear he was just here. My husband arrives and I break down even more. I didn’t think it was possible. I am so sorry. You were right. I didn’t mean to do this. I am so sorry. I can’t fix this. I don’t know how to make it better. Please get him back for me. I just want our son back. At some point I call my work bestie and tell her our store will not be open on time. I lost my son. She talks calmly to me and I can honestly not remember a single word she said. But she picked up and heard me and that was probably not the call she was expecting that Tuesday morning.
Husband holds me and cries. What can be done? My Mom is back in and out of the room. Doctors and nurses are in and out of the room. Someone envelopes me in a hug. My Mother in Law. The woman who just laid her child to rest two weeks before has come to hug me. I cry into her. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to know this feeling. I wish she didn’t know this feeling. I am apologizing for imposing on her grief. I can feel the empathy and understanding. She knows. For some reason, we have been given a connection of loss that is uniquely ours. And yet still different. She says she is sorry. I keep saying sorry. I keep asking how I can fix this. I ask if they [the doctors] can help him.
The doctors walk back in. I’m finally pausing my wails of pain and screams of desperation. I am silently shedding tears, holding my arms tight around my belly. They ask when we want to birth him. I want to snap “When he was supposed to be fucking born!” But I just look her way. She explains we have to birth him to get him out. I don’t have any other way. We just need to pick a day. “Today.” I whisper. I look to my husband. “We need to get it done. We need to keep going.”
They send us home and let us know they will call for us to come back in later today. We can stay in this room as long as we need, though. We don’t have to leave until we are ready. Husband’s Mom and my Mom leave and we sit there for a bit. I get back dressed, we stand up, and walk out the room. Everyone is looking at us with sadness. They give condolences to my husband but I just keep looking what I assume is forward. We have to walk through a lobby full of people. I don’t think I have ever felt such embarrassment in front of a group before. I wanted to apologize to everyone I walked by. I don’t know if they heard me or not but I was just so sorry I lost my son, I didn’t know what else to say.
We walk to the car and come home. My first born is still asleep in my bed, my father and mother and sister are in the living room. I go into the room and lay down. Next to my Baby. With my other Baby still in me. Husband lays with me and we have to have a tough talk. Do we open our business today? I tell him he HAS to go. We are new business owners and there is nothing to do but wait. He can close early but we have to be open.
He gets up and makes some texts and calls. He lets people know on our behalf. We lost our son. Once again, he is calling people with horrible news. I make the post for social media to tell the rest. We were 32 weeks along. We were almost to the finish line. This shouldn’t have happened.
I got the call that we could come back to the hospital at 3:30pm. I packed a bag for husband and myself. I sat with my son and explained that I had to go to the doctors for a few days. He asked if I was sick. I said no, that I was ok, but Baby Blaze was sick and going to be going away for a while. He ran to his room and came back with a toy and said it was for Blaze. To help him feel better. I hugged my son too tight I’m sure. He was so sweet and didn’t even know he was the best big brother. It killed me to know that his chance at being an older brother was being ripped away. Before we left the house, I got a call from my cousin. I picked up and she just spoke so sweetly to me and I remember being so silent and broken. She let me know if I needed to get away after it all I could even come and stay with her. I am honestly not even sure I thanked her, but I am thankful. I hopped in the car with my Mom and once again I was dropped off at the hospital doors.
I rode the elevator with strangers, tears streaming down my face. I walked the long hall to labor and delivery. I was stopped at the security desk and broke down. The guard holds me and comforts me, thinking it’s my first and I am scared. I apologize to her and walk into the little waiting room to ring the staff and tell them I am there. They let me in and walk me far through the halls to a room all on my own. It’s a quiet section of the wing, probably to help me not hear other Mommies and babies, and let me get changed. I am changed and in the bed when my Mother comes in. We discuss what my birthing plan was. I wanted to go natural for as long as possible.
I ask them if they can scan just one more time. Maybe it was a mistake. Just one more ultrasound to make sure. With pity in their eyes, they don’t deny me that moment and scan me again and once again I am smacked with the reality that my son is gone. There is no sign of life.
I wanted to feel every moment I could with my son because that’s all I was going to get with him. They start the medicine to induce. Obviously my body was not ready so it was drugs and tests and time. Husband shows up around 5 or 6 and we continue to wait. I randomly will just start crying and everyone holds space with me. I got a call from an Uncle at one point in the night. He shared experiences with me and kept letting me know how sorry he was and that I could call anytime. I listened and once again am sure I didn’t say anything coherent.
Each time a nurse or medical professional comes in, they don’t expect to talk. They just do what needs to be done and then let me know if I need them for anything, they will be here with me. I think I took up ONE nurse on that offer. I just started talking and couldn’t stop. I didn’t even realize how long I talked until my Mother came back from running errands and picking up food. I asked my husband to be in the bed with me and hold me through each contraction. We went all night long. Meds and pain and tears and numb.
I was fighting the inevitable. The medical professionals kept coming in and gently suggesting to not keep punishing myself and to take an epidural to allow my body to relax so we could birth my son. I kept sending them away. I needed to feel this. I needed to remember what I had done, what I had lost. I was so worried I would forget.
I was on morphine or some other medicine to get me to sleep when the staff asked my husband to help me. He said “give her the epidural, she doesn’t need to keep going like this.” I remember feeling such an anger in that moment. I didn’t want to give myself grace. I wanted to suffer. And that was exactly what he didn’t want to see anymore. He was hurting and knew while I was going to be mad, it was what needed to be done to offer us some peace. I was in the room alone with the medical staff to get the epidural. It was different from my one with Kai. I wasn’t in full contraction mode with my first born so we had to keep stopping to allow me to not wiggle and tense up.
I just kept crying and crying.
We got it in and got me back down. Husband came back in and sat with me. My mother was in the lobby with my aunt and cousin. I woke up all of the sudden and told my husband to get the nurse. They hadn’t put a catheter in yet but I was pretty sure I had just wet the bed. He got her and as they were checking she bolted out the room and got the delivery staff and my Mom. The baby was coming. I remember breaking down all over again. I didn’t want him to be coming. The epidural hadn’t even fully kicked in. It all happened so fast. I laid there and cried. They helped me birth the placenta. Then he was with me. Wrapped in a blankie and in my arms. My sweet little boy: Blaze Āzari Wallace. April 16th, 9:57am. He was so little. So cute.
I instantly stopped crying and looked at him. And looked at him. And looked at him. Nothing else was going on in my world. I was holding my son too soon and he was already gone. At one point I heard husband get loud with me. He said he needed me here. That the medical professionals were asking me questions (apparently). I suppose I answered. Then one came over and gave me a shot. I didn’t feel it. I guess I wouldn’t stop bleeding. I just wanted to hold my son. I remember saying I was so sorry and so happy to see him.
Someone reached for him. I instantly panicked. I about lost it. It was too soon to take him from me. It would always be too soon. I think I screamed please, don’t. My husband had to calm me. She had to take him for just a moment but he would be right back. I felt such a fear. I didn’t know how long I had with him and every second counted.
As soon as she gave him back I went back to looking at him. My Mother held him. My husband held me. He looked at his son. For him, Blaze had been gone. He had been grieving. I think that some higher power gave him that because once the truth came out, I was not going to be able to hold it together, so he would have to. I will never not forget how strong he was through this whole thing. I will never forget how much sadness I felt and feel for him.
A priest came to give Blaze his necessary sacraments to make it across the pearly gates. I think he stood there for an hour, allowing me to rest with my son before I woke up and he held the mini service for us. My husband went to work. Life had to go on. I was allowed to stay in the hospital for as long as I needed. I truly think I could still be sitting there if I wanted.
The nurses made us bracelets, gave me gifts from other Mommies in the hospital, gave us books on how to explain this to Kyler, helped take photos of Blaze. This staff were such a strength. I know this is not what they signed on for in Labor and Delivery but they handled us with such compassion and love, I will never forget them. I will not ever not be grateful for them.
My Dad came to see my son. He held him. It broke my heart to see that. I know this baby meant so much to everyone and now he would never get to experience first hand how much we loved him.
I had him watch Anastasia with me. I talked to him the whole time we were together. Explaining his brother and aunties and uncle and grandparents and how everyone would have loved him. I explained the movie and told him it held his brother's lullaby and I am so sorry he didn’t have one yet, but I would still find him one. Around 6p, I had to make the hardest decision of my life. I had to leave my second born because I knew my first born was at home. He was safe with my sister who just jumped into action when all of this was happening. But I am his mother. He needs me and Blaze is in great hands at the hospital. They gave me a keepsake box, let me hug him goodbye and then they took him away. And I cried. I cried until she [the nurse] came back and got me in the wheel chair and then I cried the whole way to the car.
I got to the car, saw my Mother and said “they took him Mom. He’s gone.” Someone helped me with my things and got me in the car. Another angel in my life, my brother’s wife. My sister in law. She just happened to be at the hospital and saw me leaving. Call it fate, but I think in that moment divine intervention got her there to help me and my mother. I found out she was there after the fact and once again I am sure I didn’t say thank you. I am sure we got home. I am sure I walked into my room, but I could not tell you what happened after we got into the car to go home to my son and leave the other behind.
Blaze Āzari Wallace. 1 lb. 13 oz. 13.5” long. Born 9:57am.
He Wished He Wasn’t Right
So I am posting this after gaining permission from my husband to share this story. This isn’t just my story (it never has been) but this post is very delicate and difficult and so I want to make it clear: this is our journey and we hold no hate towards anyone. We hold sadness in our hearts and grieve, but with that is love.
On March 12, 2025, we got a call while at work. To be fair, I got the call. It was my sister in law (SIL) and to me that was not a typical call. We are all close, but usually our calls are Facetime and hosted by my younger SIL. I pick it up and put it on speaker. “She’s not waking up.” That’s what she kept repeating. I spoke softly, trying to figure out what she was talking about. My husband walks up behind me and is asking what’s going on. Our younger sister is gone. Mom found her at home, passed on. I look to my husband and say “go. Go to your Mother, I will take care of our business, you NEED to be there.” He scrambles, grabs the keys, and heads right over. I call my Mother, bawling. My SIL is 27 and has been fighting stage 4 pancreatic cancer since we announced we were expecting Baby 2. It was a nightmare to watch. Nothing was working and we were grasping at straws for hope for her to get better. Young SIL is the light hearted jokester of the group. Care-free, full of self worth, beautiful, smart and frustratingly cunning in finding ways to not have to apply it (those smarts) always. She is the definition of a sibling. I love her like I do my other siblings. She pisses me off like my other siblings. And now…she is just gone. My Mom shows up at our business and takes over and has my sister take me to Mother in Laws house. I walk in the door and all I feel is nothingness. There is no sound, no light, no music playing, no tv shows on, no one talking while doing their make up in the bathroom. It’s empty. I walk over to my husband and ask where his Mom is. He waves his hand toward the extension to the living room. I had WALKED IN there and didn’t even see her. She was so small on the couch, in grief. I hugged her and cried and then got to work. I asked what I could do to help and took on any task they could hand out. My husband and I and his Mother did everything we could think of within the fog of loss. Family and friends showed and we were able to get things arranged and then we got Mother in Law out of the house. We asked her to stay with us in our home and made it clear the invitation had no expiration date. My parents offered to help in any and every way possible.
My husband and I slept and woke up to deal with the new life we had to live: his baby sister passed on and there is nothing we can do to change that. This is an awful realization we have to come to terms with. Honestly, what brought some comfort was knowing a new life was going to be joining us soon. Baby 2 was going to be joining us in a couple months (due in June).
I want to say about 3 days after his sister passed, husband woke up in the middle of the night.
“I can’t feel him. I can’t feel our son at all and that scares me. I don’t want to put this out there and I swear to God I don’t want to be right, but I worry he might be a still birth. He doesn’t move a lot and the doctor said he was small.” He goes on and on. I listen to him because I can’t cut off that worry, I need to allow him to let it out, but once he is done I say “He is just not a mover, I swear he moves only when he knows no one can witness it. He is a punk (just like Dad), but what child isn’t? I hear your worry, but some babies are small, the doctor said not to worry, I have an appointment in a few weeks, and we will see he is fine.”
Husband went back to sleep but mumbled “I don’t want to be right.”
I went to sleep thinking that while he was having very valid concerns, there was no way that would happen to us. I would show him at my next appointment: April 15, 2025.
We’re [NOT] One in the Same
It’s crazy how different each pregnancy is. I have only consciously noticed two and this one is so different from Kyler. With Baby Two, morning sickness was prominent. I mean to be fair it was all day sickness, haha. Whoever called it morning sickness was causing a delusion I did not need.
I craved red apples with ranch. To me it was a summer salad…minus the salad parts. With Kyler I craved pickles, tomato soup, and chocolate milk. With Baby 2, I was more energetic. I was exercising and walking more. I got yoga balls for the house and for work. I had a doula and was just going to settle into the experience. I didn’t need to worry and stress. I just needed to go with the flow. With Kyler I was exhausted from the get go and panicked about every possible situation in life.
My appointments with Baby Two were different as well. Kyler was a pandemic baby and so everything I had to do alone. Every test, every check up, the ultrasounds, all of them I was solo. WIth this experience I always had either my doula OR my husband and my doula.
I didn’t feel the need to share about this pregnancy as much for some reason. I didn’t post on social media until the New Year. With Kyler, I barely waited to get out of the first trimester. I was so excited.
Kyler seemed to not really worry about a new addition to the family. I mean, he couldn’t see Baby, so it was out of sight, out of mind. Domino, the dog, seemed to sense there was going to be a change. And he was not for it, haha. Baby Two ACTUALLY brought Kyler and Domino closer together. Now they sit together and relax together and even occasionally sleep in bed together. It melts my heart. I have always been close to my pets so it is sweet to see it happening with my son.
Each person is different and unique and so I guess it should be obvious that each experience of them growing is going to be a different journey as well.
Baby Two Comin’ Thru
It’s October of 2024. Life is going chaotic to put it mildly. Kyler has been in school, work is going crazy as we were in the final stages of ownership transition. We are traveling out of state to visit with our corporate office for training. Planes, trains, buses, car rentals, hotels, all with a toddler….that alone is hectic, haha. One thing that’s nice about our business is that it is extremely family oriented. Kyler was welcome (and expected) at our meetings. We all went to lunches and dinners off hours. It’s such a great business to be a part of. I know not everyone is so lucky. We truly love where we work and what we do.
All the traveling was wearing on me though. I was feeling like I was queasy and I was assuming it was from all the flying and being around all the different people. I also equated it to nerves. Eating with CEOs and VPs; that;s big time. So when I was at lunch with one of the higher \ups of the company, imagine my surprise when I had to run to the bathroom (with Kyler in tow) to projectile vomit in the public toilet. I was so confused and overwhelmed and of course, my three year old was shocked. “What happened Mommy? Why you do that?” And I have to coax him while trying to collect myself. Thank Baby Jesus my work bestie was on the trip as well. When I came out of the bathroom, she wrangled Kai and kept him entertained and then went with me into the grocery store to get something to settle my stomach. I kept saying that it had to be a flu. There could be no other options for my exhaustion and sickness. I didn’t get sick with Kyler so I must not be pregnant. She side eyed me, didn’t agree or disagree, just held space and listened.
The rest of the trip, Kyler would call Dad Bandit, myself Chilli, and my belly Bingo. If you know the children' s show Bluey, you know that it is the mother, father, and younger sibling to the main character. I had to keep saying “Mommy doesn’t have a baby Bingo, buddy. She just eats a lot.” and laugh it off.
This trip was a week long. We flew out on a Sunday and came home on a Saturday. We got home late Saturday and went right to bed. The trip was successful, but we needed rest. Sunday morning we wake up and I cannot stop thinking about Kyler calling my belly Bingo. Why would he call my belly Bingo? I’m not late, but what’s the harm in taking a test?
…BINGO…
The test positive.
I walked out to Donovan in the living room and showed him the test. He smiled and said “Well, now we know why he was calling your belly Bingo.”
We were pregnant. Of course, because why not throw a little more chaos into the schedule. But this time, we were both happy and ready for this adventure. Baby Two, coming thru!
School House…Fawk! (i mean Rock)
I cannot believe the time has come. Kyler is starting school. Where do the days go?
In August of 2024, Kai started preschool. It felt important for us to socialize him with other kids his age. It’s not that we thought he wasn’t learning around Mom and Dad and Mee-Maw and Nana…but we are all adults. Being an adult trying to teach a little one can be stunting to the child IF the adults don’t know how to teach and more importantly know how to allow the child to learn.
This was a huge wake up call when Kai was 2 and a half and not talking. Not his fault. Not our fault This happens. He is such a smart kid, but with that comes stubbornness and frankly, manipulation. Why try to say things if I can point to Mee-Maw and she will figure it out for me? I have to get going I can tell he probably WANTS chicken nuggets so why don’t I just cut off his babble and get them? WE as the adults had to learn to stop anticipating his requests and had to allow him the space to learn and grow. Enter professional intervention.
I recommend the program we went through to everyone I meet who brings up the same concerns we had. There is nothing wrong with asking for outside help and I had to decide to swallow my pride to accept it from people I didn’t know (who I now keep in touch with or miss everyday). We utilized Valley Mountain Regional Center (VMRC) and we got the BEST team. They were so judgement free and Kyler INSTANTLY took to his proctors (also referenced as Behavioral Therapists/BTs). Each of us (Mom, Dad, and Mee-Maw) had a day with Kyler and the BT and had hands on and interactive sessions. I learned so much and became so confident as a parent because of these people.
This program only goes until the child is 3 so it was hard not to kick myself because Kyler only got 6 months of outside help and grew so much. How much opportunity was lost because I was too proud to say I had no clue what I was doing?
Instead of beating myself up for missing out on 2 years of intervention, I chose to be kind to myself because I too was learning. Without VMRC, I might not have been as calm or compassionate of a parent. I had to learn to stop thinking like a 30 year old and start thinking like a 3 year old when it came to patience.
So when the chance arose to decide if we wanted to do preschool, I instantly started looking at schools all over town. We found a perfect fit and got him enrolled.
This was a new chapter for us and not easy at all. Dropping off Kai on his first day of school: tears. Tears from him for being left alone for the first time in a place where he knew no one. Tears from me because I was essentially abandoning my child at a school and I wasn’t ready for him to be growing up. I am pretty sure tears from Mee-Maw who wasn’t even there but has that special connection every Grandmother dreams to have with their Grandchild.
The teachers were so sweet and helpful and sent texts throughout everyday he was there with pictures letting us know how he was acclimating to being around new people. I think it took myself and Mee-Maw more time to be ok with Kyler going to school than it took for Kyler.
After a few weeks, we all got accustomed to this new lifestyle. He made friends, was engaging during class sessions and was constantly praised at how far along he was. The teachers made note of how he was also a moderator for most disagreements amongst the classmates. During BT, we learned how to break down an issue and come to a conclusion and apparently, he took that to heart and would catch a conflict and try to get it settled before adults had to intervene. They were impressed. Hell, I was impressed. I was also wondering why we didn’t utilize this tool at home (just kidding, he can be a teacher at school and kid with us at home). The teachers really took a shine to him and he to them.
I guess my lesson and takeaway from this whole start and change is to allow for help even when you think you know better. There is no shame in having extra minds and hands. If anything, it lifts a weight off your shoulders that you might not even have known you had.
Loss Without Love
This is such a surreal experience to share. July of 2024, I had been having a period for about 2 months. I was confused. In my family, long and gruesome menstrual cycles are considered the norm. Then I had my surgery removing my tumor from the outside of my uterus and it was like learning myself again. My cycle was short and not as aggressive and then a year later, I was back to what was my old normal. Having that surgery and almost losing my reproductive organs taught me to speak up. I reached out to my doctor and so they had me do some tests and then one day I get a message from the doctor and it says “well it looks like a miscarriage [not their words, just how I can describe it], we will have you come back in for bloodwork to make sure those hormones are going down.”
I’m thinking this doctor messaged the wrong girl. I’m not pregnant. So I go look at the test results that popped up and really read them. I am sitting with my Mom and my close friend watching reality tv. As we are reading the numbers, I say “oh my God. I have been having a miscarriage.” My Mother is like “no, how could you know that?” And I said, “these number match these other numbers from 2013.” To which Mom replies “ you weren’t pregnant in 2013.”
I go silent.
Funny story: I was pregnant in 2013 and lost the baby two days after we found out. Donovan and I decided that must have been a higher power decision in 2013. We were barely drinking age adults ourselves; in our early 20s. That would have been a wild time for us to bring in a baby.
We were blessed with Kyler in 2021 and he is such a joy in our lives. Even as a surprise, we were more mentally equipped to be parents (when I say this, I mean myself. Donovan has ALWAYS been a natural Dad).
So the cat came out of the bag. I remember feeling such guilt keeping this loss from my family and remember feeling such a relief when Jade found out when I sent over test results when I was expecting Kyler. She handled finding out with such compassion, but it was a secret I still kept until I lost someone I didn’t even know was there.
Sadness set in hard. I felt the loss of a potential child, guilt for not showering it with love while we had our moment together, shame for thinking it was a long period and more of an inconvenience than anything else.
I can say through ANY experience I go through, I have support from so many people. Family, friends, coworkers, I am not without an ear to chat to, a should to lean on.
Realizing this loss, I knew the next time I got pregnant, I would SHOWER baby with so much love and affection. Losing makes you love differently and losing without even being able to love made me want to love even more.
The Story of Superman’s Super(ish) Mom…
Everyone has a story of how they found out they were pregnant, and I am no different, BUT, let me give a little back story to who I was before the moment I learned my life was going to be changed forever…
I was 29 years old, living at home with my parents and my boyfriend of 7-10 years (depending on what the conversation is and who is talking, our time frame varies. We met in November of 2010 but did not officially claim being an exclusive couple until 2013, but no one believed us.) with my Jack Russel mutt in a small room meant for a child, not two adults and a dog. Every Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, my boyfriend and I would drive with our dog to Manteca to hang out with our three friends and their pets, drinking and playing cards and videogames. I worked a minimum of 40 hours a week, working to become the owner of the running specialty shoe store I had been employed at since 2016. I slept all day on my days off, ate crap food, went to a gym every once and while when I wanted to feel a little better about myself, spent my money on plenty of things I wanted but didn’t need (like a desk water dispenser or an Australian skin care routine that I used once and then let it collect dust in the bathroom cabinet), and had little to no bills or responsibilities. My life was easy (not that I thought that at the time) and then on October 23, 2020, everything changed. Join me on living and experiencing the world into Motherhood, how it all began, how it’s going, and what it will be…